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 INTERNATIONAL FOLLIES!

"GOD SAVE THE QUEEN, WOT!"

Finally, they've found a good use for that fucking eyesore! Ever at the ready to prove their unwholesome fascination for all things custardy, the Brits have (once again) staged the world's biggest custard pie fight, this time at the much maligned (and deservedly so) Millenium Dome. In order to break the record, the rabid throng of gooey sticky crap enthusiasts flung 3,312 pies in a mere three minutes! Half a ton of custard was prepared in six cement mixers, poured into pie tins, then handed out to the participants, who then went at it like a bunch of NRA members on All-you-can-Shoot day at the wildlife preserve. The previous world record, 3,076 pies in three minutes, was set in 1998 by - you guessed it - another bunch of custard-besotted Brits.

 In response to ever more intense complaining on the part of baguette-toting Frenchmen throughout the nation of France, McDonalds has decided to develop ways to make their products "more French." Yer old pal Jerky has no idea how you can make a hamburger more arrogant, cowardly and shower-phobic, but if there is a way, then Rotten Ronnie's R and D commandos are probably just the guys to figure it out.

  LOOK OUT, DUDES! BRY'S GONNA HURL!

 CELEBS IN THE NOOZ!

  Bryant Gumbel continued his long, slow descent into madness this week, as he bullied guest Martha Stewart into swilling vodka with him on his ratings-deprived Early Show. "That's a lot of vodka… I better wait until cocktail hour" Martha demurred when Gumbel suggested she join him in knocking back a Bloody Mary on air. "It's noon somewhere in the world," retorted the much-hated morning TV "personality" before sucking down the tomato juice concoction. Ending his visit with Stewart on a rambunctious note, Gumbel (who is currently going through exceptionally nasty divorce proceedings) slammed his fist down on his desk and declared: "Tomorrow, we have sexy lingerie!" In light of these recent events (combined with his awful ratings and his ex-wife's constant revelations), yer old pal Jerky is declaring Gumbel to be the front-runner in the "Television Personality Most Likely to Pull out a Gun and Blow his own Head off on Live TV" contest.

  Danielle Steel's former handyman - an Icelandic chap who goes by the unfortunate moniker of Thorhallur Vilhjalmsson - is writing a book about the best-selling romance novelist's relationship with her pet pig, Coco . Now, before all your prurient little heads get filled up with images of the much-married Madame Steel being mounted by 400 pounds or rampaging pig-lust, I suppose you should be told that the book has been described as "sweet" and "cute," so it probably isn't a searing expose of rampant bestiality amongst the moneyed elites. Darn… Anyhoo, expect this book to rocket up the charts as soon as it's released, just like every other piece of crap book with Steel's name slapped on the cover does.

 

"WHAT SO PROUDLY WE HAILED?!"

 ONLY IN AMERICA!

 The following rant was sent in by Daily Dirt reader Bradford Jackson , who doesn't claim authorship, so I'm going to go ahead and assume he didn't write it, but rather received it as a chain e-mail (the source of roughly half the correspondence yer old pal Jerky receives on a daily basis). However, seeing as my toof (or rather, the big, oozing, gummy hole where my toof once was) is still killing me, I have decided to run it in the Dirt as filler material. Anyway, it's pretty funny stuff, and most of it is true, so don't let the fact that it isn't original ruin your enjoyment of it! And please, DON'T send in letters telling me what a prick that Bradford Jackson fella is for "stealing" a bit of comedy which had been forwarded a thousand times before it found its way from his e-mail to mine! The way yer old pal Jerky figures it, if there's more than a dozen chevrons (>>>) before each line, the fucker is in the public domain, and is fair game for ripping off...

 Only in America... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance!

 Only in America... are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink! (and what's with the braille at the drive through ATM's?)

 Only in America... do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions!

 Only in America... do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke!

 Only in America... do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters!

 Only in America... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless junk in the garage!

 Only in America... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place!

 Only in America... do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight!

Only in America... do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well: "Poli" in Latin means "many" and "tics" means "blood-sucking creatures."

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