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Desi Management Parody:

yeh document, yeh meetings, yeh features ki duniya,
yeh insaan ke dushman, long-hours ki duniya
yeh deadlines ke bhooke, management ki duniya;
yeh Product agar ban bhi jaaye to kya hai?

yahaan ek khilona hai programer ki hasti
ye basti hai faticher bug-fixers ki basti
yahaan par to raises hai, inflation se sasti
yeh Review agar ho bhi jaaye to kya hai?

har ek jism ghayal, har ek rooh pyaasi
dimaagon mein uljhan, dilon mein udaasi
yeh office hai ya aalame badhawaasi
yeh Release agar ship ho bhi jaaye to kya hai?

jalaa do ise, phoonk daalo yeh documents
mere saamne se hataa do yeh computer
tumhaara hi tumhi sambhaalo yeh office
yeh Product agar chal bhi jaaye to kya hai?

Computer Aarti:

Om Jai Computer Baba,
Swami Jai Computer Baba

Client logon ke sankat
Tu hi door karta. !!Om!!

H1 Tune Dilaya,
US Tune Pahunchaya.
Sunnyvale Ho Ya Fremont,
"ABCD" Har Jagah Hi Paya. !!Om!!

Oracle Ho Ya Sybase,
Sabka Beda Paar Ho Jata.
Programmer Ho Ya DBA,
Koi Waapis Na Ja Pata. !!Om!!

Tujh Bin Calculation Na Howe,
Tujh Bin Program Na Howe,
Tujh Bin Kuchh Na Ho Pata,
Swaami "CORE DUMP" Nahin Jata. !!Om!!

Yeh Computer Baba Ki Aarti
Jo Koi Nar Gata,
Uska H1 Bhi Jaldi Se
"HARA PATTA" Ban Jata. !!Om!!

CALCUTTA's "The Telegraph" has got hold of an answer paper of a candidate at the recent UPSC examinations. The candidate has written an essay on the Indian cow:

"The cow is a successful animal. Also he is quadrupud, and because he is female, he give milk, but will do so when he is got child. He is same like God, sacred to Hindus and useful to man. But he has got four legs together. Two are forward and two are afterwards.

His whole body can be utilised for use. More so the milk. What can it do? Various ghee, butter, cream, curd, why and the condensed milk and so forth. Also he is useful to cobbler, watermans and mankind generally.

His MOTION is slow only because he is of asitudinious species. Also his other MOTION is much useful to trees, plants as well as making flat cakes in hand and drying in the sun. Cow is the only animal that extricates his feeding after eating. Then afterwards he chew with his teeth whom are situated in the inside of the mouth. He is incessantly in the meadows in the grass.

His only attacking and defending organ is the horn, specially so when he is got child. This is done by knowing his head whereby he causes the weapons to be paralleled to the ground of the earth and instantly proceed with great velocity forwards.

He has got tails also, but not like similar animals. It has hairs on the other end of the other side. This is done to frighten away the flies which alight on his cohoa body whereupon he gives hit with it.

The palms of his feet are soft unto the touch. So the grasses head is not crushed. At night time have poses by looking down on the ground and he shouts his eyes like his relatives, the horse does not do so.

This is the cow."

P.S.: We are informed that the candidate passed the exam.

A Schoolmaster from a remote rural area was transferred to a school in Bombay. He reported for duty two days before August 15 and, as was the practice in the school, was asked to address the assembly on Independence Day. Here's his dynamite speech :

"Leddies and Gentulmens, Contemporaries, Children! This is my first maiden speech. If small small mistakes get inside my speech, I ask pardon. Stickly speaking, I wanted to joint your school more fastly, but for the following reason.

Too much time lost in getting slipper reservation in three-tyre compartment. The clerk rejected to give ticket. I put complaint on station master. He said me to go to lady clerk. At first she also rejected,but at last with great difficulty she gave birth only to my son. Anyway I thanked the station master because he was responsible for getting birth of my son.

We got independent because of great leaders like Gandhiji who get-outted all angrezi peoples from India. Tilak said Swaraj is our birth-rate and we shall halve it. Today we all halve our birth-rate. You children are future dynamic generators of the Nation. Look into future time only. No backside looking, or looking at your behind. Be like great like X' raj Ranjan of Germany or Presidents like Loosebelt.

You know genius, no? It is one per cent perspiration and ninety seven percent evaporation. They became great by reading great books. After we finish you here in the school, you can go to college and get B.A., M.A. and other decrease. Then you can become great liars in the supreme courts, shattered accountants, or leacherers in college.

The school is like a garden. You are the seeds, school is the soil. We will bury you in this soil, pour water of knowledge on your heads and one day you will become great phools. Many vacancy job come in newspapers. Only yesterday I saw in paper "Wanted for refuted engineering firm: Generators, highpower condensors" so and so forth, etc. These jobs may be teknickel, but you can rise. If you have flare in English, you can become teacher.

I am now ending this fastly. My God blast you! Thank you and thank God I am finished.

Joy Hind!"

A letter from a Bollywood Fan:

Johnny Mera Naam
Piya Ka Ghar
Choukee No. 11
Teesri Manzil
China Town

Date: Nav Do Gyarah

My Dear 'Anamica':

You must be surprised to receive this 'Prem Patra' from me. Let me make my 'Pahechan' to you as 'Dilwale Dulhaniya Le Jayenge'. Though I am an 'Awaara', I am also your 'Deewana'.

I am making you a 'Prarthna' to enter my 'Zindagi' as a 'Priyatama'. Even though I do not have any 'Sambandh' with you, I still consider you as my 'Dream Girl' with 'Lal Dupatta Malmal Ka'. There are only 'Do Raaste' left for me. One is to get your love by 'Tyag' or to go the 'Rangeela' way.

Wouldn't you like to be 'Mere Jeevan Saathi' as you are 'Lakhon Mein Ek'? I also hope that you will 'Guide' me in 'Bahar' as we are made for 'Ek Duje Ke Liye'.

We will live in 'Naya Zamana' where we will have a 'Suhana Safar'. In this 'Himalay Ki God Mein', our 'Bandhan' is going to be tied with 'Preet Ki Dor'. I hope that we will have nothing but 'Anand' in 'Ye Dillagi'.

Aren't you bored of 'Akele Hum Akele Tum' life? Let this 'Baazigar' be your 'Boy Friend' and we start 'Pehli Mohabbat'. This 'Chahat' is going to lead to a 'Milan' where you are going to call me everyday for 'Aao Pyar Karen'.

Now, 'Phir Kab Miloge' as 'Tumse Accha Kaun Hein'? As you know my love is 'Himalay Se Uncha' and hopefully our 'Mulakat' will be 'An Evening in Paris'. 'Aa Gale Lag Jaa'!

'Hum Aapke Hain Koun...?'

'Prem Pujari'

In our great 'linguistic melting pot country', we speak Ticklish English. The entire range of emotions can be measured in Hindish, Benglish, Punjish, Tamlish and Gujjish. Here is a letter I got from my bosom buddy from India.

Hey Ramesh there !

Bhat man, no nooj fram you far lang time ? Bhat matter eej ? Hab you forgotten me ? Myself, Deepak Khanna from IIT Kanpur. Same Kolege, same nolej, yaar. Hee hee.

Arre bhai, yesterday I go restaurant and they ask, what bil you hab ? Cadberry ? Papsee ? Or one bottle Thunderbolt, one 'baees ka pauwa' and one lag piece ? Or bil it be straight 'chempen' ? Talking of alcohol, do you know there are three kinds of beer in India ? One you drink, one you sleep with (called 'taddy beer' - you hug it) and one you having nothing to do with, since you cannot 'beer' it. Not to talk of the Gujju Beers of Dalal Street who in these Bull Harshad Mehta days, ask each other, (instead of the customary 'kem che ?') 'scam che ?'

Coming back to good old Punjaaaaab, everything is 'fitta-fit', thank you. 'The loins of Bhatinda welcome you' says a roadside sign. The greatest of their loins, Ajit (of the 'Tawny','Raabert' and 'Mona Darrrling' fame) inaugurated the 'Groin young loins, mathlab Leo as in leopard' Club just the other day.

The Bengalis like to 'shit outside' in the cool 'bridge'. Of course, it is impossible to cross the Howrah 'breeze' these days, especially during the 'crush' hour, when your clothes in the crowded buses get 'crust'.

Bengalis do not have 's' sound and Oriyas do not have 'sh'. So when Bengalis sing 'God shave the queen', Oriyas shout 'Same, same'.

Delhi 'sacooter taxi vallas' will say 'Woh Susu ki' referring to Maruti Suzuki.

And a Delhi teenager might ask a restaurant waiter to 'rape the snakes' (wrap the snacks) and 'snakes' could be anything from 'peeza' to 'baig-dish' (baked dish) to 'senwich' or a plain 'aam-late'. And the waiter asks 'Do you want them raped separate, separate or together ?'

Which all amounts to BJP. No, not the Bharatiya Janata Party, but 'Bada Jollu Party' of Tamil Nadu (this acronym refers to a 'lecher') with its 'jalrafying' tendencies. Ready-aaa ? In Tamil Nadu, 'somebody else' becomes 'somebody yells' and villages become 'vill-aage' and marriages, 'marr-aaage' and people vacation in 'Gova' and 'Lenden'. And not to forget that bakery called 'Standard confessionary' (sic) in Madras who are the 'biggest loafers in town'. And Madras folks are also concerned about others' opinions and wonder 'What will four people think, saaar ?'

Which brings us to my native land, Rajasthan. One english tutor was heard telling his pupil that 'pittal' is 'bras'. And also that 'Mooli' is 'carrot'. The mother of the student overheard and came in and asked 'Isn't Mooli radish ?' To which the embarrassed teacher replied 'Yes, yes, Mooli is sometimes reddish and sometimes whitish.'

And two IIT Kanpur professors were bickering about regional accents. When one Bihari professor got up to make a speech "Bhy bharchu of the authority bheshted in me ...." he was interrupted by his Malayali colleague, (A Malayali colleague = Malayaleague) who commented "What atrocious accent !". Stung, the Bihari retorted. "Bhat bil you shay ?" "Why, I would say it 'praperly'" said the Malayali "Like 'By wertu yof the yatarity wasted in me...."

I am not knowing if you are doing the understanding ?

The Chief Election Commissioner, Mr. T. N. Station has released the names of the parties that have been recognised as Nationil Parties and the various symbols allotted to them. The following is the list.

CONdress (I)..............................: Suitcase
CONdress (He).............................: Chappal
CONgrace (She)............................: Saree
Jainta Dal................................: Jute Bag
Parathiya Jainta Party....................: Monkey
COMAnist Party of India (CPI).............: Hammer
COMAnist Party of India - Mar-peets (CPIM): Hammer and Pickle
Bhojan Samaj Party (BSP)..................: Potato
Tamata Party (ntbcw Samata Party).........: Tomato
Shrimp Sena...............................: Laathi (Stick)
Scamwadi Jailka Party.....................: Jail Cell
A Kela Dal (ProCash)......................: Banana
Donation Kazhagam (DK)....................: Idli
Donation Money Kazhagam (DMK).............: Goggles
All India Donation Money Kazhagam (AIDMK).: Weird Looking Coat
Telugu DiviSons Party (Son)...............: Mango Pickle
Telugu DiviSons Party (Son-in-Law)........: Chilli Pickle
Telugu DiviSons Party (Step Mother).......: Rolling Pin
Kerala CONdress (John)....................: Coconut
Kerala CONdress (Jacob)...................: Coconut (peeled)
Kerala CONdress (Joseph)..................: Door Mat
Indian Union Masalamen League (Iqbal).....: Pan
Indian Union Masalamen League (Maqbool)...: Beedi
Indian Union Masalamen League (Jabbar)....: Cigarette
Machlis Idlihadul Masalamen (MIM).........: Fish

So I get this offer in the mail -
"Switch to Sprint and get $35 credit on your next phone bill"
I figure, "Why not?  $35 is good money for a phone call."
So I call Sprint and make the switch.Two weeks later I get an offer from AT&T -
"We want you back - switch and get $25 credit"
Thinking, "Sure, why not", I put the offer aside, but forget to follow up.
A week later a $75 check arrives from AT&T -
"Endorse and cash this check, and we switch you back" Can't
argue with that. So I cash it and we're back with AT&T.
Another two weeks pass and I get a call from Sprint -
Sprint Lady: "We want you back at Sprint"
Me: "What incentive are you offering"
Sprint Lady: "Better service and prices than AT&T"
Me: "But AT&T just paid me $75"
Sprint Lady: "I can't give you any money, but listen,
Really, that's what she said.  I gave her full points for creative
marketing and agreed to go back to Sprint.
Sure enough, yesterday a check arrives from AT&T - but only for $25.
Then that night I get a "please switch back" call from AT&T.
Me: "I got your $25 check today - what's the best you can offer me?"
AT&T Guy: "The screen says I can offer $75"
Me: "Make it a hundred and you've got a deal"
AT$T Guy: "I can't go over $75, but I'll tell you what -
Really, that's what he said.  So, you guessed it, we're back with AT&T.
So I'm thinking, this is a great business.  Why not install a few
dozen phone lines and earn a living just swapping long distance
carriers?  On average I could probably net $50 per line per month.
But why stop there?  How about starting a company that handles long
distance company switching for the public?  I could sign people up
giving me discretion of which LD company to use, and take 20% of the
incentive fee, passing 80% back to the consumer.  Of course, then some
enterprising soul will start a competing company and offer my
switchers an incentive to switch to his switching company ...

Traveling in India is an almost hallucinatory potion of sound, spectacle and experience. It is frequently heart-rending, sometimes hilarious, mostly exhilarating, always unforgettable - and, when you are on the roads, extremely dangerous.

Most Indian road users observe a version of the Highway Code based on an ancient text. These 12 rules of the Indian road are published for the first time in English.

The assumption of immortality is required of all road users.

The following precedence must be accorded at all times. In descending order, give way to: cows, elephants, heavy trucks, buses, official cars, camels, light trucks, buffalo, Jeeps, ox-carts, private cars, motorcycles, scooters, auto-rickshaws, pigs, pedal rickshaws, goats, bicycles (goods- carrying), handcarts, bicycles (passenger-carrying), dogs, pedestrians.

All wheeled vehicles shall be driven in accordance with the maxim: to slow is to falter, to brake is to fail, to stop is defeat. This is the Indian drivers' mantra.

Use of horn (also known as the sonic fender or aural amulet):

Cars (IV,1,a-c):

(IV,1,a): Short blasts (urgent) indicate supremacy, ie in clearing dogs, rickshaws and pedestrians from path.
(IV,1,b): Long blasts (desperate) denote supplication, ie to oncoming truck, "I am going too fast to stop, so unless you slow down we shall both die". In extreme cases this may be accompanied by flashing of headlights (frantic).
(IV,1,c): Single blast (casual) means "I have seen someone out of India's 870 million whom I recognize", "There is a bird in the road (which at this speed could go through my windscreen)" or "I have not blown my horn for several minutes."

Trucks and buses (IV,2,a):

All horn signals have the same meaning, viz, "I have an all-up weight of approximately 12.5 tons and have no intention of stopping, even if I could." This signal may be emphasized by the use of headlamps (insouciant).

Article IV remains subject to the provision of Order of Precedence in Article II above

All manoeuvres, use of horn and evasive action shall be left until the last possible moment.

In the absence of seat belts (which there is), car occupants shall wear garlands of marigolds. These should be kept fastened at all times.

Rights of way: Traffic entering a road from the left has priority. So has traffic from the right, and also traffic in the middle.
Lane discipline (VII,1): All Indian traffic at all times and irrespective of direction of travel shall occupy the centre of the road.

Roundabouts: India has no roundabouts. Apparent traffic islands in the middle of crossroads have no traffic management function. Any other impression should be ignored.

Overtaking is mandatory. Every moving vehicle is required to overtake every other moving vehicle, irrespective of whether it has just overtaken you. Overtaking should only be undertaken in suitable conditions, such as in the face of oncoming traffic, on blind bends, at junctions and in the middle of villages/city centres. No more than two inches should be allowed between your vehicle and the one you are passing - and one inch in the case of bicycles or pedestrians.

Nirvana may be obtained through the head-on crash.

Reversing: no longer applicable since no vehicle in India has reverse gear.

The 10th incarnation of God was as an articulated tanker.





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