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You have suddenly become biologically successful and are expecting a baby in the coming months. You are faced with the
daunting task of coming up with a name for the darned brat. And you know that the names beginning with the letter 'A' are 'in'
these days. You will resolve the baby name issue by:

(a) Sending a post to SCI. But name the baby after the guys who post on the net. A few months down the road, your kid Jai is
born.

(b) Make up your own 'A' names like 'Amlukund' or 'Adiandiakan', but tell others that they are 'epic'names.

(c) Name the kid 'Ahluwalia'. This is an 'A' name and when you are with your Western friends, you can call him 'Al' and when
with desis, you can call him 'Aaloo'.

 

Is the word 'multi' pronounced 'mul-tee' or 'mul-tie'?

(a) At work and with the native english speakers it is pronounced 'Mul-tie'. When with desis, it is pronounced 'Mul-tee'.

(b) It is the other way around. For desis, especially for Biharis and South Indians, it is pronounced 'Mul-tie' and for local folks,
it is 'Mul-tee'.

(c) Avoid using this word and other controversial words like semi, anti, route etc.

 

You are visiting India. Your aunt, who doesn't know anything about being an NRI or the associated perks, offers you home
made 'Samosas' and sweets. Just to impress her that you are a different breed now - fragile and susceptible to health problems
in India - which of the following health precautions would you observe?

(a) Open your briefcase that you got from the USA, take out a coke and drink it.

(b) Ask her for the fat content and cholesterol content of the samosas.

(c) Thoroughly inspect her kitchen and de-tox it. Spray air freshener. Then eat the sweet and ask for more.

 

You and fifteen others, including the cute Indian girl from the next apartment complex, are playing 'dumb charade' following a
potluck dinner on a friday evening. You were acting out the movie "The Sound of Music" with all kinds of silly gesticulations.
But not only does she not get the movie name, she also insists that there is no such movie. You don't want to argue with her and
ruin your chances of getting to know her better. On the other hand, you have your own ego. What would you do?

(a) Tell her point blank that for a 'dumb' person, she was bad at playing 'dumb charade'. Swear never to deal with such people
again. Join Mensa and play dumb charade with those folks.

(b) Get Sidey involved in the fight. Then you join her and fight Sidey, the common enemy.

(c) Apologize to her for lousy acting and lying. To show her you are really sincere, help her with her computer assignment.
 
 

Scoring:

If you marked all (a):

Congratulations ! You are a Padma Bhushan in the NRI community. You now have the licence to behave any which way you
want and get away with it because of your high standing in the NRI hierarchy.

If you marked some (b), but mostly (a): You are almost there ! A few years in the dollar-land and a few super bowls later you
can claim full citizenship.

If you marked some (c):

You are making fast progress. If you stopped reading SCI and migrate to the Bay area, you may become a good NRI.

If you marked all (c) or if you took all this seriously:

You might as well have stayed in your little hamlet in India.
 
 

Arranged marriages have been around in India as long as probably the institution of marriage itself. Aunts, who are called
"aunties" in India, have always played an intrinsic and pivotal role in it, from its conception to implementation. As times have
progressed, they have proved that they can adapt to the changing times by updating themselves with the latest jargons,
terminologies and sometimes even, technologies, necessary to perform this 'task'. The underlying task here is, of course,
"arranging" a marriage. Darwin would very keenly have noted that, the species of aunts in India are the very epitome of human
adaptation to an ever-changing social environment. Indeed, if nature ever prided itself for its "natural selection", it would
definitely be its selection of genes that has helped propagate the aunts' species from stone age into space age and beyond.

 

Of course, the aunts themselves do not think much of their accomplishment. For them the task of arranging comes as naturally
as breathing (does not include cases where one has respiratory problems). Expert socio-psychologists had earlier speculated
that might be this task is more of a hobby. How wrong they were! More recent studies have shown that it's not a hobby. A
hobby, by definition, is a pastime activity. It ceases to be one, when all they ever think of, and do is search for a suitable
partner, follow it by matchmaking, before arranging the wedding. Having taken care of the victim, they then proceed
nonchalantly to the next victim. The task is much akin to a rugged, well-oiled mechanical machine that processes, packages and
labels, before dispatching off the final product, while the next one is already ready in line for processing...

 

Now, if you actually want to know what goes into accomplishing this task, all that can be said is that you must be an aunt
yourself. It's impossible for outsiders a.k.a. "non aunts" to comprehend, let alone speculate this complex, alchemical process
that the aunts concoct to accomplish this task. No outsider has ever been able to penetrate the secret inner walls of their elite
community. A few imposters who tried to fake and get into their circle have been dispatched off with severe warnings.

 

Not everything is lost, however. While the task itself is hard for the outsiders to understand, they can learn certain valuable
things. For instance, the aunts do need information to process. Information about "eligible" boys/girls, their qualifications,
whether their great grandfather was a lawyer or a school teacher etc...After many cups of coffee, and long nights of research,
the author has identified some key events where the aunts are most likely to gather information.

 

Statistically, the wedding of a victim was found to be the "event" where they were most likely to enquire about more potential
prospects. On hindsight, that seems the most natural place where "continuity" of their task can be ensured; the basic idea being,
as one victim "falls" at his/her wedding, preliminary arrangements for the next one can be laid at the same wedding. The song
"Another One Bites the Dust" has even been rumored to be their favorite wedding song. At any wedding, when two aunts meet,
they first look to see if any outsider is watching them. They then quickly signal and approach each other to go over "details".

 

To give the reader an idea of the nature of their discussions, the author has secretly recorded a conversation between two
arbitrary aunts, at a random wedding. The author is well aware of the risk that he's placing himself in by acknowledging this
fact.

Before revealing an excerpt from their conversation, it's good to put things in perspective to the readers. The scene is set
somewhere in Tamil Nadu. Not that it could not be anywhere else in India. The aunts here call each other "Mami". "Mami" is a
very generic term in Tamil Nadu. It is the super of super sets that includes, but does not limit to,
union/intersection/reunion/cross-section of ladies of all sizes/shapes/castes/sub-castes. It is the all encompassing term. No one is
spared. It can be your mom's brother's wife, but the bespectacled lady who lives ten streets down the road can stake equal
claim to this title. The fact that you are not even remotely related to her does not matter. Period. Lest the men folk feel left out,
a name "Mama" has also been made available to the general public, whose counterpart in the north is "Uncle-ji".

 

To further educate any unfamiliar reader, the Mamis of this day and age (space age Mamis) tend to look for alliances in the
U.S. or the states as they affectionately call it. They think the world of the US, even though it's just a country. Any
US-educated, eligible boy/girl would be completely and thoroughly investigated before he/she passes their micro-screening test.
(And if you thought the verbal section in GRE gave you a migraine headache, wait till you get to the aunts' screening test.)

 

The last thing to familiarize the reader with is that "Mami_Girl" is looking for a "smart" boy, for a girl whom she knows.
"Mami_Boy", obviously has information about the boy. Without further ado, here's an excerpt from their talk:

 

Mami_Girl: "Where is the boy?"

Mami_Boy: " In Chicago."

Mami_Girl: "Oh! That's a very windy city! Ask him to be careful otherwise the wind will blow him away into Lake Michigan!"
What's he studying there?"

Mami_Boy: "He's doing M.S"

M_G: "Thesis or non-thesis?"

M_B: "Thesis."

M_G: "That's good. I heard that a lot of the boys nowadays escape with non-thesis option. Hmm! To think that they dont want
to write a thesis! How very lazy of them, I say! My Suresh did MS thesis in 4 years. Very bright boy, but advisor held him up
or something. By the way, what is your boy working in M.S?"

M_B: "He's "doing" computers."

M_G: "Hardware or software?"

M_B: "He "does" both."

M_G: "Does he know Windows '95?"

M_B: "He must be knowing it. He's very smart. He even has a World Wide Web address. I have it somewhere in my purse. I
know it starts with some http://... But, listen mami, you are distracting me from the main topic. As I was saying, he's working on
his thesis. He will finish everything in 6 months. The last I heard, he was writing up chapter 3. Only two more chapters and
conclusion to go. And he will be finished."

M_G: "What about job prospects?"

M_B: "After his thesis he'll get a job in computer company."

M_G: "Will it be in San Jose or Silicon Valley?"

M_B: "I am surprised you do not know that Silicon Valley is in San Jose."

She then pauses, and wonders, for a brief moment... "Or is it that San Jose is in Silicon Valley?" Suddenly Mami_Boy is not
very sure of herself, but continues nevertheless,

 

"Anyway, my point is he will get a good job. The economy is booming. Even though the government has been shutdown or
suspended, I can't remember, just because Clinton can't balance his checkbook. I saw that in CNN the other day. But our
boys don't have to worry. Job situation is good for our boys. They are especially needed in programming jobs. "

 

M_G: "How is the boy's character?"

M_B: " Good boy. He's reserved, shy, but very adjusting and homely. He even knows to cook."

M_G: "Mami, hold on! Is he a girl, or what?"

M_B: "Of course not! He's just a modern man. A nineties man! He is very helpful at the kitchen. I am surprised you have such
stereotypical views that boys can't cook...Humph!! "

M_G: "Does he drink or smoke?"

M_B: "My boy is pure and gentle. He's like a cow."

M_G: "He eats grass, then?"

M_B: "Mami, stop kidding! He doesn't smoke or drink. In fact, my boy can't even tell the difference between wine and vodka."

M_G: "Yeah! Yeah! That's what they all say. If he gets that drunk who can tell the difference!"

M_B: "Cut it out, mami! If you are this sarcastic, I'd rather not continue this talk at all."

M_G: "Sorry! How old is he?"

M_B: "He turned 25."

M_G: "You mean he is running 26?"

M_B: "Mami, all this running/walking business is all only in India. In the states they round it off to the nearest integer less than
the number."

M_G: "Does that mean a person "abruptly" grows one year older on the day of his birthday? Doesn't that mean there's a
discontinuity in the birthday "function"? "

M_B: "I don't know about all this discontinuity business. But that's the way you tell age in the states. Don't ask me all this funny
technical questions."

M_G: "O.k. O.k.. Does he have a good sense of humor?"

M_B: "Well, people laugh when he tells jokes. But they laugh at him; Not at his jokes. His punch line delivery is poor. Does
that count as having humor?"

M_G: "Mami, the girls nowadays need their boys to be very funny. The boys have to make them laugh till the girls split their
sides. Even if he is not very handsome it's ok. But humor is absolutely essential. Without that boys don't stand a chance in the
marriage market. Zero. Nada. El zippo."

M_B: "So..so..Please tell me what I should do to help him improve his sense of humor?"

M_G: "For starters ask him to watch reruns of Cosby shows. And also Cheers. These days watching Seinfeld may also help,
but then he'll learn about nothing. He can also watch some British shows, but that's more stiff upper-lip type humor. British
humor is itself an irony and is hard to understand unless it runs in your blood. From what you say, your boy doesn't have that.
So it's best that he stay away from the British comedy."

M_B: "Should I buy him some funny books like The Witty Birbal or Tales of Tenali Raman or Champak? Will reading these
books help him develop the needed sense?"

M_G: "That's not a bad idea. But he has to soon "graduate" into reading Archie, Asterix, and TinTin ok?"

M_B: "Ok. Thanks, a lot. I really mean it. I will invest in his humor before it's too late."

M_G: "That's ok. Dont waste all your thanks on me. What's his height?"

M_B: " He's at least "6".. "

M_G: " But, mami, somebody said he is not even as tall his father. And his father isn't even 5'7"!!"

M_B: "Oh! When I said 6, I meant 5'6".... I always say only the inches part of the height, because all the people in my family
are 5 feet and "some" inches...Silly me! Should have been more specific."

M_G: "Yeah, 5'6" is more like it. The girl is about 5'7". Even though, she's taller it's ok. We can tell everyone that she's only
5-5 and a half. I will cover it all up. I can ask the girl to stand with a slight dip in her shoulder on the wedding day. That way
she'll look a little shorter than the boy. Worse come worst we can make the boy wear high-heel slippers or shoes. But let's not
make height such a tall issue...Let's get to more important issues at hand...What car does he have?"

M_B: "Right now he has a Huffy, I think!"

M_G: "But, Mami, that's not a car. It's a bicycle!"

M_B: "Oh right, I forgot. He doesn't have one. But when he gets a job he will buy a car."

M_G: "Which car?"

M_B: "Honda."

M_G: "Mami, you have to be specific. In Honda there are many types. Accord. Civic. Then there's even Acura integra with a
4-cylinder engine and passenger's side air bag. That is like a sports car. I personally prefer the integra. It's kind of cool. But for
our Indian boys the best car is Accord. In fact, I heard from someone that Honda makes Accord suited to Indian 'taste'. Why,
I even heard the Honda makers sprinkle some masala powder and other spices in the car when Indians come to buy one. That
way our Indians will feel at home with the odor of the car and all that. "

M_B: "Ok, I will then ask him to buy an Accord."

M_G: "That's a good choice. And ask him to take the 3-year payment plan. In 5-year plan he will pay interest through his nose.

M_B: "Yeah! I heard you have to be careful with some of those car dealers."

M_G: By the way mami, I am hungry. It's time for lunch. I will get in touch with you soon about the alliance for your cousin's
grandson and my sister's husband's niece.... And look who's there.... Our Radha! I heard she has a granddaughter who is about
to finish MS. Let me go talk to her to see is I can find a match for my brother's niece's 3rd son... "


 

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While working with Mr. Murthy, I have always found him
working studiously and sincerely at his table without idling or
gossiping with colleagues in the office. He seldom
wastes his time on useless things. Given a job, he always
finishes the given assignment in time. He will always be
deeply engrossed in his official work, and can never be
found chit-chatting in the cafeteria. He has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishment and profound
knowledge of his field. I think he can easily be
classed as outstanding, and should on no account be
dispensed with. I strongly feel that Mr. Murthy should be
pushed to accept promotion, and a proposal to administration be
sent as soon as possible.

Sd/-
Branch Manager

PS:       MR. MURTHY WAS PRESENT WHEN I WAS WRITING THIS REPORT EARLIER
          TODAY. KINDLY READ ONLY THE ALTERNATE LINES 1,3,5... FOR MY
          TRUE ASSESSMENT OF HIM.

          REGARDS

          Sd/-
          Branch Manager



There are Citizenship tests and there are citizenship tests! U.S. Citizenship test, Indian Citizenship test - you name it - although
in reality, we are all citizens of a virtual country called Non-Resident India. If they ever decide to have a NRI citizenship test,
this will be it.

 

HOW GOOD AN N.R.I ARE YOU? - A TEST

Your friend Srini just got back from India after his wedding. He has even brought his wife along on a H4 visa. He invites you
and the rest of the 'gang' for dinner. You are really eager to make acquaintances with the 'missus' and also partake the 'grub'.
But you also know darned well that you will be subjected to a three hour wedding video. Torn between lust for food and
survival instincts, you will:

(a) Go to his house and silently sneak up to the VCR, grab the wedding videotape and toss it out of the window.

(b) After dinner and before they start the video show, suddenly moan and groan and tell them you are having a heart attack and
must leave.

(c) Watch the video attentively and try to familiarize yourself with their third cousins and distant aunts. Try to also memorize the
names of all the 65876 guests who were at the wedding - in fact, ask them to rewind and play the tape in super slo-mo at
important places.

 

You are at the Desi 'all you can eat' buffet line for the fourth helping. You sight a fresh batch of Tandoori chicken in the far
corner. Cauldrons of Ginger Chicken etc are bubbling on the right hand side. The vadas seduce you by their very looks. And
you were planning to have two or three rounds of the desserts. Suddenly you feel a little stuffed. Totally confused, you will:

(a) Take the whole tray of Tandoori chicken to your table but don't touch anything else.

(b) Decide to hang around till evening so that you can eat everything slowly. In the meantime, sneak into the bathroom several
times to do a quick round of jogging.

(c) Suddenly think of IIT Kanpur mess 'grub' and lose your appetite altogether.

 

You are a young Ph.D. student in your ninth year of graduate school and are just about to retire on your stipend. One day,
while you are goofing off as usual on the internet you suddenly realize that you no longer remember your thesis research
problem because you hadn't worked on it in a while. Panic-struck you will:

(a) Just say 'Forget it' and send a long email to Sidey, PJ and Srini.

(b) Try to calm yourself down and try to remember your adviser's name and figure out if he is on a sabbatical somewhere or if
he is around in the department.

(c) Since you can think much well after some beer, you will walk over to Bala's place for those much-needed suds.

 

You are on a visit to India. You are just about to drop in on Uncle Gangu and his two impressionable sons who are studying in
a local goonda college. To show off your status, would you wear your university T-shirt or Dallas Cowboys T-shirt?

   a.The cowboys T-shirt may be so sexy Grandma (Uncle Gangu's mother) might want it. So, stick to the University T-shirt.

(b) Put on both the T-shirts so that you can hide your huge paunch.

(c) Nobody has heard of your university, The Northeastern South Dakota University. So might as well wear the Cowboy's
shirt.

 

You have finally graduated and managed to get a job. After a Mexico trip, now you even have your visa. Since this is the 'best
time' to get married, you want to place a classified ad in 'India Abroad'. How would this ad go?

(a) "an attractive, educated, only child of a billionaire is looking for..."

(b) "A serial killer is looking for his next victim. Just kidding. Looking for a good-looking..."

(c) "A short, fat, ugly slob who bathes only on special occasions is looking for..."

 

You are just a graduate student on a F-1 visa, but you are from an IIT. The fellow at the other end of the restaurant whom you
kind of know is an H-1 visa guy, but who is here on a body shop deal. Who is superior and what does the protocol say as the
appropriate behavior?

(a) According to Manu's Shastra, the H-1 visa is a higher caste than F-1 and you should bow to the other guy.

(b) Obviously you are superior. Ignore the sonavagun.

(c) Tell him he is superior and make him pay for your lunch.

 

Dr. Gupta is like the patron saint of the local Indian community. You are invited to his house. You pat the cat and talk to the
kids even though you hate it. Finally when you are sitting down for a boring after-dinner conversation, Gupta's four-year-old is
hitting you with a baseball bat. Unable to take it any more you will:

(a) Turn around and beat the crap out of the child and Dr. Gupta.

(b) Drag Mrs. Gupta from the kitchen and tell her that her kid is a terror and that this is no way to bring up a kid.

(c) Let the kid hit you with the bat and subsequently bond with the kid. And later on, realize that such things are the 'Family
values' that everyone is talking about. In fact, visit Guptaji every week.

 

You are going to India next week and you are currently doing India shopping in K Mart. The 'three for one' goods seem slightly
better although the 'blue light specials' are slightly cheaper. Totally confused you will:

(a) Buy the 'El Cheapo' stuff, but lie to them that you paid a lot for it.

(b) Don't buy here. Instead go to Bombay and buy it cheap on the footpath.

(c) Stay in K Mart till the 'three for one' goods come on 'Blue light special'.

 

Long ago, you had told your friend that you wanted to develop an interest in Indian classical music. Your friend actually
believes you and takes you to a concert by Ustad Shah Rukh Ali Khan, who doesn't want to stop singing even after five hours.
It is here that you realize your big mistake. Also, your friend gave you ride and so you are dependent on him for your ride back.
But your friend is absolutely engrossed in the concert unaware that you are going nuts. You will:

(a) Walk up to the Ustad and slap him. Also, puncture the tabla, just to make sure.

(b) Loudly scream. "Stop! I confess. I did it!"

(c) Clap every two minutes and loudly utter compliments like "Wow wah! kyaa kamaal kar diya". Also, ask your friend every
five minutes what the Ustad is singing now. If all this still doesn't have an effect, start blowing your nose loudly just when the
Ustad reaches the higher notes.

 

You are sitting in the India Association get together and chatting with the janta. You can see the president of the association
around the corner, collecting subscriptions. Now he is heading toward you. You will:

(a) Shout 'Fire' and run away.

(b) Tell him you are already a Life Member.

(c) Tell him you are not an Indian and therefore be left alone.

 

Yourself, Bala, Srini and their roommates - ten people in all - have suddenly come up with this plan to go to Florida for a week.
Since you can afford only so much, you decide to rent just one car for all the ten of you. Suddenly, the other Srini, the other
Bala and their roommates (a total of six more people) tell you that they too are desperately interested in coming to Florida with
you. Since it is difficult for sixteen people to travel in one car, but you still don't know how to say 'no', you will:

(a) Take the middle ground. Say no to Srini and the other Srini. But the rest of the fourteen of you drive in one car. You also
discover that Bala can be squeezed between the radiator and the engine.

(b) Dump all the guys and try to entice Sunita, Malini Ammal and the 'girls' gang into going to Florida and go with them instead.

(c) Import a Desi Tempo van and all of you drive in that to Florida.

 

You always drool over Sunita. But she never seems to give a damn. Finally, your prayers are answered and she agrees to come
with you for a dinner at Delhi Palace. When you are just about to leave on your romantic outing, she turns to her boring
roommate and asks her "Anju, why don't you come along too." At this point, you will:

(a) Interrupt Sunita and say, "Anju can't come. She has a project due" and give Anju a loaded dirty look.

(b) If Anju indeed decided to come along you would say, "Oh, I forgot. My clothes are in the dryer" and run away.

(c) You be generous and say "Why don't we call Ajay, PJ and the others also. It will be a lot of fun. In fact, I have been
meaning to treat them for a long time."

 

You are a woman grad student who is attached to the computer like it is some sort of an umbilical cord. A cute guy - or so you
think - has sent you an email message following an innocuous IRC chat session. You don't know that he is a dirty, boring, slob
whose only purpose in life is to smoke and drink. And he doesn't know that you are an insecure person who doesn't feel
comfortable about any human relationship. Suddenly you discover you are exchanging upwards of fifty email messages a day.
Should you feel guilty or romantic? Which of the following is the most appropriate behavior in this 'Conflict Situation'?

(a) When he asks you to send a GIF file of your photograph, send Madhuri Dixit's file to him.

(b) Hide your identity and send him an anonymous email from another account and say dirty things about yourself, just to find
out how he would react.

(c) Ask him if his name is really Ajay Palvayanteeswaran.

 

Your friend has just played a hit song from the latest hindi movie. The song sounds strange to you and you can't even make out
if the lyrics are in hindi. But you don't want to appear to have lost touch with hindi movies. So you would:

(a) Ignore it and tell your friend you have been busy with research the past few days.

(b) Dance wildly to the song. Play it ten times with the fond hope that perhaps around the tenth time you might actually
understand the lyrics. Ask your friend: "Is it a Rehman?"

(c) Shout loudly "I swear, this music is cogged from..." and pretend like you are trying to remember. Then make a generic
comment that music these days isn't what it used to be.

 

Everybody you know goes home to India and comes back either married or engaged. You go home and beg your parents to
get you hooked, but they don't give a damn and you come back single. Unable to face your crowd and overcome by
embarrassment, you will:

(a) Live a lie. Tell them you are actually engaged to Kajol. And the wedding will take place as soon as she finished making
movies for all those who have signed her.

(b) Tell your friends that all the women you 'saw' in India were offering you dowries and as a man of principle you couldn't take
it and that's why you didn't get engaged this time.

(c) Tell your friends that you are never going to marry and will be dedicating your life for the downtrodden in Malawi.

 

At last, you managed to get the local Indian Princess for a private dinner at this expensive Indian restaurant. You have told her
that you were buying dinner. So she orders the most expensive meal, a glass of expensive zinfandel to go with the meal and a
mango lassi. She has just ordered kesar kulfi to cap it off - the full nine yards - putting a dent in your wallet. Then in the course
of the conversation or perhaps to keep a distance from you she announces she already has a boyfriend in India. At this point
you will:

(a) Break down and cry and create a scene. Tell her it is unfair. Ask her at least to reimburse the dinner costs. If she refuses,
then grab the Kulfi from her.

(b) Take it like a man. Tell her "Excuse me, I need to go to the bathroom" and sneak out of the restaurant and never see her
again.

(c) Challenge her. Put her on the defensive and ask her to prove that she really has a boyfriend and that their love is real.
Present yourself as an alternative.

 

You are with Tom and Bob, your American colleagues, waiting to be seated in a restaurant. Suddenly you see a bunch of your
desi neighbors from your desi ghetto, also entering the restaurant. Embarrassed, you will:

(a) Completely ignore your neighborhood gang. If they tried to talk to you, tell them you have never seen them before. You can
always make other friends later on.

(b) Go to the bathroom and stay there till the neighborhood gang is gone.

(c) Start talking to Bob and Tom in hindi. If the desis start walking toward you, then grab Tom and Bob and drag them out of
the restaurant.

 

 

 

 

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Desi Management Parody:

yeh document, yeh meetings, yeh features ki duniya,
yeh insaan ke dushman, long-hours ki duniya
yeh deadlines ke bhooke, management ki duniya;
yeh Product agar ban bhi jaaye to kya hai?

yahaan ek khilona hai programer ki hasti
ye basti hai faticher bug-fixers ki basti
yahaan par to raises hai, inflation se sasti
yeh Review agar ho bhi jaaye to kya hai?

har ek jism ghayal, har ek rooh pyaasi
dimaagon mein uljhan, dilon mein udaasi
yeh office hai ya aalame badhawaasi
yeh Release agar ship ho bhi jaaye to kya hai?

jalaa do ise, phoonk daalo yeh documents
mere saamne se hataa do yeh computer
tumhaara hi tumhi sambhaalo yeh office
yeh Product agar chal bhi jaaye to kya hai?



Computer Aarti:

Om Jai Computer Baba,
Swami Jai Computer Baba

Client logon ke sankat
Tu hi door karta. !!Om!!

H1 Tune Dilaya,
US Tune Pahunchaya.
Sunnyvale Ho Ya Fremont,
"ABCD" Har Jagah Hi Paya. !!Om!!

Oracle Ho Ya Sybase,
Sabka Beda Paar Ho Jata.
Programmer Ho Ya DBA,
Koi Waapis Na Ja Pata. !!Om!!

Tujh Bin Calculation Na Howe,
Tujh Bin Program Na Howe,
Tujh Bin Kuchh Na Ho Pata,
Swaami "CORE DUMP" Nahin Jata. !!Om!!

Yeh Computer Baba Ki Aarti
Jo Koi Nar Gata,
Uska H1 Bhi Jaldi Se
"HARA PATTA" Ban Jata. !!Om!!



CALCUTTA's "The Telegraph" has got hold of an answer paper of a candidate at the recent UPSC examinations. The candidate has written an essay on the Indian cow:

"The cow is a successful animal. Also he is quadrupud, and because he is female, he give milk, but will do so when he is got child. He is same like God, sacred to Hindus and useful to man. But he has got four legs together. Two are forward and two are afterwards.

His whole body can be utilised for use. More so the milk. What can it do? Various ghee, butter, cream, curd, why and the condensed milk and so forth. Also he is useful to cobbler, watermans and mankind generally.

His MOTION is slow only because he is of asitudinious species. Also his other MOTION is much useful to trees, plants as well as making flat cakes in hand and drying in the sun. Cow is the only animal that extricates his feeding after eating. Then afterwards he chew with his teeth whom are situated in the inside of the mouth. He is incessantly in the meadows in the grass.

His only attacking and defending organ is the horn, specially so when he is got child. This is done by knowing his head whereby he causes the weapons to be paralleled to the ground of the earth and instantly proceed with great velocity forwards.

He has got tails also, but not like similar animals. It has hairs on the other end of the other side. This is done to frighten away the flies which alight on his cohoa body whereupon he gives hit with it.

The palms of his feet are soft unto the touch. So the grasses head is not crushed. At night time have poses by looking down on the ground and he shouts his eyes like his relatives, the horse does not do so.

This is the cow."

P.S.: We are informed that the candidate passed the exam.



A Schoolmaster from a remote rural area was transferred to a school in Bombay. He reported for duty two days before August 15 and, as was the practice in the school, was asked to address the assembly on Independence Day. Here's his dynamite speech :

"Leddies and Gentulmens, Contemporaries, Children! This is my first maiden speech. If small small mistakes get inside my speech, I ask pardon. Stickly speaking, I wanted to joint your school more fastly, but for the following reason.

Too much time lost in getting slipper reservation in three-tyre compartment. The clerk rejected to give ticket. I put complaint on station master. He said me to go to lady clerk. At first she also rejected,but at last with great difficulty she gave birth only to my son. Anyway I thanked the station master because he was responsible for getting birth of my son.

We got independent because of great leaders like Gandhiji who get-outted all angrezi peoples from India. Tilak said Swaraj is our birth-rate and we shall halve it. Today we all halve our birth-rate. You children are future dynamic generators of the Nation. Look into future time only. No backside looking, or looking at your behind. Be like great like X' raj Ranjan of Germany or Presidents like Loosebelt.

You know genius, no? It is one per cent perspiration and ninety seven percent evaporation. They became great by reading great books. After we finish you here in the school, you can go to college and get B.A., M.A. and other decrease. Then you can become great liars in the supreme courts, shattered accountants, or leacherers in college.

The school is like a garden. You are the seeds, school is the soil. We will bury you in this soil, pour water of knowledge on your heads and one day you will become great phools. Many vacancy job come in newspapers. Only yesterday I saw in paper "Wanted for refuted engineering firm: Generators, highpower condensors" so and so forth, etc. These jobs may be teknickel, but you can rise. If you have flare in English, you can become teacher.

I am now ending this fastly. My God blast you! Thank you and thank God I am finished.

Joy Hind!"



A letter from a Bollywood Fan:

Johnny Mera Naam
Piya Ka Ghar
Choukee No. 11
Teesri Manzil
China Town
Bombay

Date: Nav Do Gyarah

My Dear 'Anamica':

You must be surprised to receive this 'Prem Patra' from me. Let me make my 'Pahechan' to you as 'Dilwale Dulhaniya Le Jayenge'. Though I am an 'Awaara', I am also your 'Deewana'.

I am making you a 'Prarthna' to enter my 'Zindagi' as a 'Priyatama'. Even though I do not have any 'Sambandh' with you, I still consider you as my 'Dream Girl' with 'Lal Dupatta Malmal Ka'. There are only 'Do Raaste' left for me. One is to get your love by 'Tyag' or to go the 'Rangeela' way.

Wouldn't you like to be 'Mere Jeevan Saathi' as you are 'Lakhon Mein Ek'? I also hope that you will 'Guide' me in 'Bahar' as we are made for 'Ek Duje Ke Liye'.

We will live in 'Naya Zamana' where we will have a 'Suhana Safar'. In this 'Himalay Ki God Mein', our 'Bandhan' is going to be tied with 'Preet Ki Dor'. I hope that we will have nothing but 'Anand' in 'Ye Dillagi'.

Aren't you bored of 'Akele Hum Akele Tum' life? Let this 'Baazigar' be your 'Boy Friend' and we start 'Pehli Mohabbat'. This 'Chahat' is going to lead to a 'Milan' where you are going to call me everyday for 'Aao Pyar Karen'.

Now, 'Phir Kab Miloge' as 'Tumse Accha Kaun Hein'? As you know my love is 'Himalay Se Uncha' and hopefully our 'Mulakat' will be 'An Evening in Paris'. 'Aa Gale Lag Jaa'!

'Hum Aapke Hain Koun...?'

'Prem Pujari'



In our great 'linguistic melting pot country', we speak Ticklish English. The entire range of emotions can be measured in Hindish, Benglish, Punjish, Tamlish and Gujjish. Here is a letter I got from my bosom buddy from India.

Hey Ramesh there !

Bhat man, no nooj fram you far lang time ? Bhat matter eej ? Hab you forgotten me ? Myself, Deepak Khanna from IIT Kanpur. Same Kolege, same nolej, yaar. Hee hee.

Arre bhai, yesterday I go restaurant and they ask, what bil you hab ? Cadberry ? Papsee ? Or one bottle Thunderbolt, one 'baees ka pauwa' and one lag piece ? Or bil it be straight 'chempen' ? Talking of alcohol, do you know there are three kinds of beer in India ? One you drink, one you sleep with (called 'taddy beer' - you hug it) and one you having nothing to do with, since you cannot 'beer' it. Not to talk of the Gujju Beers of Dalal Street who in these Bull Harshad Mehta days, ask each other, (instead of the customary 'kem che ?') 'scam che ?'

Coming back to good old Punjaaaaab, everything is 'fitta-fit', thank you. 'The loins of Bhatinda welcome you' says a roadside sign. The greatest of their loins, Ajit (of the 'Tawny','Raabert' and 'Mona Darrrling' fame) inaugurated the 'Groin young loins, mathlab Leo as in leopard' Club just the other day.

The Bengalis like to 'shit outside' in the cool 'bridge'. Of course, it is impossible to cross the Howrah 'breeze' these days, especially during the 'crush' hour, when your clothes in the crowded buses get 'crust'.

Bengalis do not have 's' sound and Oriyas do not have 'sh'. So when Bengalis sing 'God shave the queen', Oriyas shout 'Same, same'.

Delhi 'sacooter taxi vallas' will say 'Woh Susu ki' referring to Maruti Suzuki.

And a Delhi teenager might ask a restaurant waiter to 'rape the snakes' (wrap the snacks) and 'snakes' could be anything from 'peeza' to 'baig-dish' (baked dish) to 'senwich' or a plain 'aam-late'. And the waiter asks 'Do you want them raped separate, separate or together ?'

Which all amounts to BJP. No, not the Bharatiya Janata Party, but 'Bada Jollu Party' of Tamil Nadu (this acronym refers to a 'lecher') with its 'jalrafying' tendencies. Ready-aaa ? In Tamil Nadu, 'somebody else' becomes 'somebody yells' and villages become 'vill-aage' and marriages, 'marr-aaage' and people vacation in 'Gova' and 'Lenden'. And not to forget that bakery called 'Standard confessionary' (sic) in Madras who are the 'biggest loafers in town'. And Madras folks are also concerned about others' opinions and wonder 'What will four people think, saaar ?'

Which brings us to my native land, Rajasthan. One english tutor was heard telling his pupil that 'pittal' is 'bras'. And also that 'Mooli' is 'carrot'. The mother of the student overheard and came in and asked 'Isn't Mooli radish ?' To which the embarrassed teacher replied 'Yes, yes, Mooli is sometimes reddish and sometimes whitish.'

And two IIT Kanpur professors were bickering about regional accents. When one Bihari professor got up to make a speech "Bhy bharchu of the authority bheshted in me ...." he was interrupted by his Malayali colleague, (A Malayali colleague = Malayaleague) who commented "What atrocious accent !". Stung, the Bihari retorted. "Bhat bil you shay ?" "Why, I would say it 'praperly'" said the Malayali "Like 'By wertu yof the yatarity wasted in me...."

I am not knowing if you are doing the understanding ?



The Chief Election Commissioner, Mr. T. N. Station has released the names of the parties that have been recognised as Nationil Parties and the various symbols allotted to them. The following is the list.

CONdress (I)..............................: Suitcase
CONdress (He).............................: Chappal
CONgrace (She)............................: Saree
Jainta Dal................................: Jute Bag
Parathiya Jainta Party....................: Monkey
COMAnist Party of India (CPI).............: Hammer
COMAnist Party of India - Mar-peets (CPIM): Hammer and Pickle
Bhojan Samaj Party (BSP)..................: Potato
Tamata Party (ntbcw Samata Party).........: Tomato
Shrimp Sena...............................: Laathi (Stick)
Scamwadi Jailka Party.....................: Jail Cell
A Kela Dal (ProCash)......................: Banana
Donation Kazhagam (DK)....................: Idli
Donation Money Kazhagam (DMK).............: Goggles
All India Donation Money Kazhagam (AIDMK).: Weird Looking Coat
Telugu DiviSons Party (Son)...............: Mango Pickle
Telugu DiviSons Party (Son-in-Law)........: Chilli Pickle
Telugu DiviSons Party (Step Mother).......: Rolling Pin
Kerala CONdress (John)....................: Coconut
Kerala CONdress (Jacob)...................: Coconut (peeled)
Kerala CONdress (Joseph)..................: Door Mat
Indian Union Masalamen League (Iqbal).....: Pan
Indian Union Masalamen League (Maqbool)...: Beedi
Indian Union Masalamen League (Jabbar)....: Cigarette
Machlis Idlihadul Masalamen (MIM).........: Fish



So I get this offer in the mail -
"Switch to Sprint and get $35 credit on your next phone bill"
I figure, "Why not?  $35 is good money for a phone call."
So I call Sprint and make the switch.Two weeks later I get an offer from AT&T -
"We want you back - switch and get $25 credit"
Thinking, "Sure, why not", I put the offer aside, but forget to follow up.
A week later a $75 check arrives from AT&T -
"Endorse and cash this check, and we switch you back" Can't
argue with that. So I cash it and we're back with AT&T.
Another two weeks pass and I get a call from Sprint -
Sprint Lady: "We want you back at Sprint"
Me: "What incentive are you offering"
Sprint Lady: "Better service and prices than AT&T"
Me: "But AT&T just paid me $75"
Sprint Lady: "I can't give you any money, but listen,
SWITCH BACK TO SPRINT NOW AND THEN AT&T WILL SEND YOU
ANOTHER $75 - THEN GO BACK TO AT&T!   WE'RE HAPPY TO
HAVE AT&T SPEND THEIR MONEY ON YOU."
Really, that's what she said.  I gave her full points for creative
marketing and agreed to go back to Sprint.
Sure enough, yesterday a check arrives from AT&T - but only for $25.
Then that night I get a "please switch back" call from AT&T.
Me: "I got your $25 check today - what's the best you can offer me?"
AT&T Guy: "The screen says I can offer $75"
Me: "Make it a hundred and you've got a deal"
AT$T Guy: "I can't go over $75, but I'll tell you what -
GO AHEAD AND CASH THE $25 CHECK ANYWAY AND I'LL ALSO
SEND YOU $75 IN CREDIT CERTIFICATES"
Really, that's what he said.  So, you guessed it, we're back with AT&T.
So I'm thinking, this is a great business.  Why not install a few
dozen phone lines and earn a living just swapping long distance
carriers?  On average I could probably net $50 per line per month.
But why stop there?  How about starting a company that handles long
distance company switching for the public?  I could sign people up
giving me discretion of which LD company to use, and take 20% of the
incentive fee, passing 80% back to the consumer.  Of course, then some
enterprising soul will start a competing company and offer my
switchers an incentive to switch to his switching company ...




Traveling in India is an almost hallucinatory potion of sound, spectacle and experience. It is frequently heart-rending, sometimes hilarious, mostly exhilarating, always unforgettable - and, when you are on the roads, extremely dangerous.

Most Indian road users observe a version of the Highway Code based on an ancient text. These 12 rules of the Indian road are published for the first time in English.

ARTICLE I
The assumption of immortality is required of all road users.

ARTICLE II
The following precedence must be accorded at all times. In descending order, give way to: cows, elephants, heavy trucks, buses, official cars, camels, light trucks, buffalo, Jeeps, ox-carts, private cars, motorcycles, scooters, auto-rickshaws, pigs, pedal rickshaws, goats, bicycles (goods- carrying), handcarts, bicycles (passenger-carrying), dogs, pedestrians.

ARTICLE III
All wheeled vehicles shall be driven in accordance with the maxim: to slow is to falter, to brake is to fail, to stop is defeat. This is the Indian drivers' mantra.

ARTICLE IV
Use of horn (also known as the sonic fender or aural amulet):

Cars (IV,1,a-c):

(IV,1,a): Short blasts (urgent) indicate supremacy, ie in clearing dogs, rickshaws and pedestrians from path.
(IV,1,b): Long blasts (desperate) denote supplication, ie to oncoming truck, "I am going too fast to stop, so unless you slow down we shall both die". In extreme cases this may be accompanied by flashing of headlights (frantic).
(IV,1,c): Single blast (casual) means "I have seen someone out of India's 870 million whom I recognize", "There is a bird in the road (which at this speed could go through my windscreen)" or "I have not blown my horn for several minutes."

Trucks and buses (IV,2,a):

All horn signals have the same meaning, viz, "I have an all-up weight of approximately 12.5 tons and have no intention of stopping, even if I could." This signal may be emphasized by the use of headlamps (insouciant).

Article IV remains subject to the provision of Order of Precedence in Article II above

ARTICLE V
All manoeuvres, use of horn and evasive action shall be left until the last possible moment.

ARTICLE VI
In the absence of seat belts (which there is), car occupants shall wear garlands of marigolds. These should be kept fastened at all times.

ARTICLE VII
Rights of way: Traffic entering a road from the left has priority. So has traffic from the right, and also traffic in the middle.
Lane discipline (VII,1): All Indian traffic at all times and irrespective of direction of travel shall occupy the centre of the road.

ARTICLE VIII
Roundabouts: India has no roundabouts. Apparent traffic islands in the middle of crossroads have no traffic management function. Any other impression should be ignored.

ARTICLE IX
Overtaking is mandatory. Every moving vehicle is required to overtake every other moving vehicle, irrespective of whether it has just overtaken you. Overtaking should only be undertaken in suitable conditions, such as in the face of oncoming traffic, on blind bends, at junctions and in the middle of villages/city centres. No more than two inches should be allowed between your vehicle and the one you are passing - and one inch in the case of bicycles or pedestrians.

ARTICLE X
Nirvana may be obtained through the head-on crash.

ARTICLE XI
Reversing: no longer applicable since no vehicle in India has reverse gear.

ARTICLE XII
The 10th incarnation of God was as an articulated tanker.



 

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