yeh document, yeh
meetings, yeh features ki duniya,
yeh insaan ke dushman,
long-hours ki duniya
yeh deadlines ke bhooke, management ki
yeh Product agar ban bhi jaaye to kya hai?
yahaan ek khilona
hai programer ki hasti
ye basti hai faticher bug-fixers ki
yahaan par to raises hai, inflation se sasti
agar ho bhi jaaye to kya hai?
har ek jism
ghayal, har ek rooh pyaasi
dimaagon mein uljhan, dilon mein
yeh office hai ya aalame badhawaasi
yeh Release agar
ship ho bhi jaaye to kya hai?
jalaa do ise,
phoonk daalo yeh documents
mere saamne se hataa do yeh
tumhaara hi tumhi sambhaalo yeh office
agar chal bhi jaaye to kya hai?
Om Jai Computer
Swami Jai Computer Baba
Client logon ke
Tu hi door karta. !!Om!!
US Tune Pahunchaya.
Sunnyvale Ho Ya Fremont,
Har Jagah Hi Paya. !!Om!!
Oracle Ho Ya
Sabka Beda Paar Ho Jata.
Programmer Ho Ya DBA,
Waapis Na Ja Pata. !!Om!!
Calculation Na Howe,
Tujh Bin Program Na Howe,
Tujh Bin Kuchh
Na Ho Pata,
Swaami "CORE DUMP" Nahin Jata. !!Om!!
Yeh Computer Baba
Jo Koi Nar Gata,
Uska H1 Bhi Jaldi Se
Ban Jata. !!Om!!
"The Telegraph" has got hold of an answer paper of a candidate at
the recent UPSC examinations. The candidate has written an essay on
the Indian cow:
"The cow is a
successful animal. Also he is quadrupud, and because he is female,
he give milk, but will do so when he is got child. He is same like
God, sacred to Hindus and useful to man. But he has got four legs
together. Two are forward and two are afterwards.
His whole body
can be utilised for use. More so the milk. What can it do? Various
ghee, butter, cream, curd, why and the condensed milk and so forth.
Also he is useful to cobbler, watermans and mankind
His MOTION is
slow only because he is of asitudinious species. Also his other
MOTION is much useful to trees, plants as well as making flat cakes
in hand and drying in the sun. Cow is the only animal that
extricates his feeding after eating. Then afterwards he chew with
his teeth whom are situated in the inside of the mouth. He is
incessantly in the meadows in the grass.
attacking and defending organ is the horn, specially so when he is
got child. This is done by knowing his head whereby he causes the
weapons to be paralleled to the ground of the earth and instantly
proceed with great velocity forwards.
He has got tails
also, but not like similar animals. It has hairs on the other end of
the other side. This is done to frighten away the flies which alight
on his cohoa body whereupon he gives hit with it.
The palms of his
feet are soft unto the touch. So the grasses head is not crushed. At
night time have poses by looking down on the ground and he shouts
his eyes like his relatives, the horse does not do so.
This is the
P.S.: We are
informed that the candidate passed the exam.
Schoolmaster from a remote rural area was transferred to a school in
Bombay. He reported for duty two days before August 15 and, as was
the practice in the school, was asked to address the assembly on
Independence Day. Here's his dynamite speech :
Gentulmens, Contemporaries, Children! This is my first maiden
speech. If small small mistakes get inside my speech, I ask pardon.
Stickly speaking, I wanted to joint your school more fastly, but for
the following reason.
Too much time
lost in getting slipper reservation in three-tyre compartment. The
clerk rejected to give ticket. I put complaint on station master. He
said me to go to lady clerk. At first she also rejected,but at last
with great difficulty she gave birth only to my son. Anyway I
thanked the station master because he was responsible for getting
birth of my son.
independent because of great leaders like Gandhiji who get-outted
all angrezi peoples from India. Tilak said Swaraj is our birth-rate
and we shall halve it. Today we all halve our birth-rate. You
children are future dynamic generators of the Nation. Look into
future time only. No backside looking, or looking at your behind. Be
like great like X' raj Ranjan of Germany or Presidents like
You know genius,
no? It is one per cent perspiration and ninety seven percent
evaporation. They became great by reading great books. After we
finish you here in the school, you can go to college and get B.A.,
M.A. and other decrease. Then you can become great liars in the
supreme courts, shattered accountants, or leacherers in
The school is
like a garden. You are the seeds, school is the soil. We will bury
you in this soil, pour water of knowledge on your heads and one day
you will become great phools. Many vacancy job come in newspapers.
Only yesterday I saw in paper "Wanted for refuted engineering firm:
Generators, highpower condensors" so and so forth, etc. These jobs
may be teknickel, but you can rise. If you have flare in English,
you can become teacher.
I am now ending
this fastly. My God blast you! Thank you and thank God I am
A letter from
a Bollywood Fan:
Piya Ka Ghar
Choukee No. 11
Date: Nav Do
You must be
surprised to receive this 'Prem Patra' from me. Let me make my
'Pahechan' to you as 'Dilwale Dulhaniya Le Jayenge'. Though I am an
'Awaara', I am also your 'Deewana'.
I am making you a
'Prarthna' to enter my 'Zindagi' as a 'Priyatama'. Even though I do
not have any 'Sambandh' with you, I still consider you as my 'Dream
Girl' with 'Lal Dupatta Malmal Ka'. There are only 'Do Raaste' left
for me. One is to get your love by 'Tyag' or to go the 'Rangeela'
Wouldn't you like
to be 'Mere Jeevan Saathi' as you are 'Lakhon Mein Ek'? I also hope
that you will 'Guide' me in 'Bahar' as we are made for 'Ek Duje Ke
We will live in
'Naya Zamana' where we will have a 'Suhana Safar'. In this 'Himalay
Ki God Mein', our 'Bandhan' is going to be tied with 'Preet Ki Dor'.
I hope that we will have nothing but 'Anand' in 'Ye Dillagi'.
Aren't you bored
of 'Akele Hum Akele Tum' life? Let this 'Baazigar' be your 'Boy
Friend' and we start 'Pehli Mohabbat'. This 'Chahat' is going to
lead to a 'Milan' where you are going to call me everyday for 'Aao
Now, 'Phir Kab
Miloge' as 'Tumse Accha Kaun Hein'? As you know my love is 'Himalay
Se Uncha' and hopefully our 'Mulakat' will be 'An Evening in Paris'.
'Aa Gale Lag Jaa'!
'Hum Aapke Hain
In our great
'linguistic melting pot country', we speak Ticklish English. The
entire range of emotions can be measured in Hindish, Benglish,
Punjish, Tamlish and Gujjish. Here is a letter I got from my bosom
buddy from India.
Hey Ramesh there
Bhat man, no nooj
fram you far lang time ? Bhat matter eej ? Hab you forgotten me ?
Myself, Deepak Khanna from IIT Kanpur. Same Kolege, same nolej,
yaar. Hee hee.
yesterday I go restaurant and they ask, what bil you hab ? Cadberry
? Papsee ? Or one bottle Thunderbolt, one 'baees ka pauwa' and one
lag piece ? Or bil it be straight 'chempen' ? Talking of alcohol, do
you know there are three kinds of beer in India ? One you drink, one
you sleep with (called 'taddy beer' - you hug it) and one you having
nothing to do with, since you cannot 'beer' it. Not to talk of the
Gujju Beers of Dalal Street who in these Bull Harshad Mehta days,
ask each other, (instead of the customary 'kem che ?') 'scam che
Coming back to
good old Punjaaaaab, everything is 'fitta-fit', thank you. 'The
loins of Bhatinda welcome you' says a roadside sign. The greatest of
their loins, Ajit (of the 'Tawny','Raabert' and 'Mona Darrrling'
fame) inaugurated the 'Groin young loins, mathlab Leo as in leopard'
Club just the other day.
The Bengalis like
to 'shit outside' in the cool 'bridge'. Of course, it is impossible
to cross the Howrah 'breeze' these days, especially during the
'crush' hour, when your clothes in the crowded buses get
Bengalis do not
have 's' sound and Oriyas do not have 'sh'. So when Bengalis sing
'God shave the queen', Oriyas shout 'Same, same'.
taxi vallas' will say 'Woh Susu ki' referring to Maruti
And a Delhi
teenager might ask a restaurant waiter to 'rape the snakes' (wrap
the snacks) and 'snakes' could be anything from 'peeza' to
'baig-dish' (baked dish) to 'senwich' or a plain 'aam-late'. And the
waiter asks 'Do you want them raped separate, separate or together
Which all amounts
to BJP. No, not the Bharatiya Janata Party, but 'Bada Jollu Party'
of Tamil Nadu (this acronym refers to a 'lecher') with its
'jalrafying' tendencies. Ready-aaa ? In Tamil Nadu, 'somebody else'
becomes 'somebody yells' and villages become 'vill-aage' and
marriages, 'marr-aaage' and people vacation in 'Gova' and 'Lenden'.
And not to forget that bakery called 'Standard confessionary' (sic)
in Madras who are the 'biggest loafers in town'. And Madras folks
are also concerned about others' opinions and wonder 'What will four
people think, saaar ?'
Which brings us
to my native land, Rajasthan. One english tutor was heard telling
his pupil that 'pittal' is 'bras'. And also that 'Mooli' is
'carrot'. The mother of the student overheard and came in and asked
'Isn't Mooli radish ?' To which the embarrassed teacher replied
'Yes, yes, Mooli is sometimes reddish and sometimes whitish.'
And two IIT
Kanpur professors were bickering about regional accents. When one
Bihari professor got up to make a speech "Bhy bharchu of the
authority bheshted in me ...." he was interrupted by his Malayali
colleague, (A Malayali colleague = Malayaleague) who commented "What
atrocious accent !". Stung, the Bihari retorted. "Bhat bil you shay
?" "Why, I would say it 'praperly'" said the Malayali "Like 'By
wertu yof the yatarity wasted in me...."
I am not knowing
if you are doing the understanding ?
Election Commissioner, Mr. T. N. Station has released the names of
the parties that have been recognised as Nationil Parties and the
various symbols allotted to them. The following is the list.
Dal................................: Jute Bag
COMAnist Party of India
COMAnist Party of India - Mar-peets
(CPIM): Hammer and Pickle
Bhojan Samaj Party
Tamata Party (ntbcw Samata
Sena...............................: Laathi (Stick)
Jailka Party.....................: Jail Cell
A Kela Dal
Donation Money Kazhagam
All India Donation Money Kazhagam
(AIDMK).: Weird Looking Coat
Telugu DiviSons Party
(Son)...............: Mango Pickle
Telugu DiviSons Party
(Son-in-Law)........: Chilli Pickle
Telugu DiviSons Party (Step
Mother).......: Rolling Pin
(Jacob)...................: Coconut (peeled)
(Joseph)..................: Door Mat
Indian Union Masalamen
League (Iqbal).....: Pan
Indian Union Masalamen League
Indian Union Masalamen League (Jabbar)....:
Machlis Idlihadul Masalamen (MIM).........:
So I get this
offer in the mail -
"Switch to Sprint and get $35 credit on your
next phone bill"
I figure, "Why not? $35 is good money for
a phone call."
So I call Sprint and make the switch.Two weeks
later I get an offer from AT&T -
"We want you back - switch
and get $25 credit"
Thinking, "Sure, why not", I put the offer
aside, but forget to follow up.
A week later a $75 check arrives
from AT&T -
"Endorse and cash this check, and we switch you
argue with that. So I cash it and we're back with
Another two weeks pass and I get a call from Sprint
Sprint Lady: "We want you back at Sprint"
incentive are you offering"
Sprint Lady: "Better service and
prices than AT&T"
Me: "But AT&T just paid me
Sprint Lady: "I can't give you any money, but
SWITCH BACK TO SPRINT NOW AND THEN AT&T WILL SEND
ANOTHER $75 - THEN GO BACK TO AT&T! WE'RE
HAVE AT&T SPEND THEIR MONEY ON YOU."
that's what she said. I gave her full points for
marketing and agreed to go back to Sprint.
enough, yesterday a check arrives from AT&T - but only for
Then that night I get a "please switch back" call from
Me: "I got your $25 check today - what's the best you
can offer me?"
AT&T Guy: "The screen says I can offer
Me: "Make it a hundred and you've got a deal"
"I can't go over $75, but I'll tell you what -
GO AHEAD AND CASH
THE $25 CHECK ANYWAY AND I'LL ALSO
SEND YOU $75 IN CREDIT
Really, that's what he said. So, you guessed
it, we're back with AT&T.
So I'm thinking, this is a great
business. Why not install a few
dozen phone lines and earn
a living just swapping long distance
carriers? On average I
could probably net $50 per line per month.
But why stop
there? How about starting a company that handles
distance company switching for the public? I could
sign people up
giving me discretion of which LD company to use,
and take 20% of the
incentive fee, passing 80% back to the
consumer. Of course, then some
enterprising soul will start
a competing company and offer my
switchers an incentive to switch
to his switching company ...
India is an almost hallucinatory potion of sound, spectacle and
experience. It is frequently heart-rending, sometimes hilarious,
mostly exhilarating, always unforgettable - and, when you are on the
roads, extremely dangerous.
Most Indian road
users observe a version of the Highway Code based on an ancient
text. These 12 rules of the Indian road are published for the first
time in English.
assumption of immortality is required of all road users.
following precedence must be accorded at all times. In descending
order, give way to: cows, elephants, heavy trucks, buses, official
cars, camels, light trucks, buffalo, Jeeps, ox-carts, private cars,
motorcycles, scooters, auto-rickshaws, pigs, pedal rickshaws, goats,
bicycles (goods- carrying), handcarts, bicycles
(passenger-carrying), dogs, pedestrians.
All wheeled vehicles shall be driven in accordance with the
maxim: to slow is to falter, to brake is to fail, to stop is defeat.
This is the Indian drivers' mantra.
of horn (also known as the sonic fender or aural amulet):
blasts (urgent) indicate supremacy, ie in clearing dogs, rickshaws
and pedestrians from path.
(IV,1,b): Long blasts (desperate)
denote supplication, ie to oncoming truck, "I am going too fast to
stop, so unless you slow down we shall both die". In extreme cases
this may be accompanied by flashing of headlights
(IV,1,c): Single blast (casual) means "I have seen
someone out of India's 870 million whom I recognize", "There is a
bird in the road (which at this speed could go through my
windscreen)" or "I have not blown my horn for several
Trucks and buses
All horn signals
have the same meaning, viz, "I have an all-up weight of
approximately 12.5 tons and have no intention of stopping, even if I
could." This signal may be emphasized by the use of headlamps
remains subject to the provision of Order of Precedence in Article
manoeuvres, use of horn and evasive action shall be left until the
last possible moment.
the absence of seat belts (which there is), car occupants shall wear
garlands of marigolds. These should be kept fastened at all
Rights of way: Traffic entering a road from the left has
priority. So has traffic from the right, and also traffic in the
Lane discipline (VII,1): All Indian traffic at all times
and irrespective of direction of travel shall occupy the centre of
Roundabouts: India has no roundabouts. Apparent traffic
islands in the middle of crossroads have no traffic management
function. Any other impression should be ignored.
Overtaking is mandatory. Every moving vehicle is required to
overtake every other moving vehicle, irrespective of whether it has
just overtaken you. Overtaking should only be undertaken in suitable
conditions, such as in the face of oncoming traffic, on blind bends,
at junctions and in the middle of villages/city centres. No more
than two inches should be allowed between your vehicle and the one
you are passing - and one inch in the case of bicycles or
Nirvana may be obtained through the head-on crash.
Reversing: no longer applicable since no vehicle in India has
The 10th incarnation of God was as an articulated