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An engineer died & was sent to hell by mistake. 
Life in hell was very uncomfortable, so the engineer decided to install air conditioning, 
lifts, flush toilets & a host of other modern conveniences. 
One day God rang Satan to ask how things were in hell.
"Great!" replied Satan. 
"Our engineer has made all kinds of improvements down here."
"What are you doing with an engineer!" 
thundered God.
"That engineer must be sent up to heaven immediately or I'll sue!" 
"Oh really?" replied Satan. 
"And just where do you intend to find a lawyer 


INDIA BIDS FOR THE CHANNEL TUNNEL
When tenders were floated for the channel tunnel to connect England & France, many international building companies vied with one another to get the contract. The stakes were very high; the job of digging building expertise. Tenders were opened by the Board of Directors of the Anglo-French corporation which had taken on the project. British builders' estimates were over 200 million dollar, each; French & German builders were marginally lower. 
There was one from India: Singh & Singh Builders whose estimate was only 5 million dollars. The Board was for ignoring the Indian tender but out of curiosity invited Singh & Singh over to discuss the plans. 
Banta Singh & Santa Singh of Singh & Singh Builders appeared before the Board. 
The Chairman asked them "Have you any experience of undertaking this kind of work?" 
"Indeed we have," replied the two Singhs, "we bored a lot of tubewells in the Punjab & Haryana. We can bore holes anywhere."
"This is not as simple. How will you connect the tunnel from the English side to the French?" "Simple," replied Santa Singh, "Banta Singh will dig from the French end & I from the English." 
The Chairman was flabbergasted. "You don't realise that it will need a lot of accurate calculation to get the two tunnels to meet at the same point under the channel. Other companies' estimates are over 200 million dollars each & you think you can do the same job for 5 million dollars. How will that be possible?"
"What is bothering you?" demanded Singh & Singh, "if our two tunnels don't meet, instead of one we will give you two tunnels. 




A Haryanavi youth spied a pretty girl at the bus stand. Since no one was around, he tried to use a tone of familiarity, "Jaan-e-man - my heart's desire," he addressed her, "aisee laagey sai, aap ko pehley kahin dekha sai." "Jaroor deykha sai - you must have seen me," replied the lady, "I am a nurse at the lunatic asylum." 




Winston Churchill & Abraham Lincoln are both famous for their wit & superb sense of humour. Once they happened to meet on a staircase which was not wide enough for both of them to pass. Churchill stood in the middle of it & said to Lincoln, "I don't give way to a fool." Lincoln promptly stepped aside, allowing Churchill to move & replied, "Well but I do, your excellency." 


Mrs Banta knitted a sweater & sent it to her husband by parcel post. With it she sent the following note: 'I have removed the buttons as they are too heavy & would add to the price of postage. You will find them in the right hand pocket of the sweater.' 


A KHADDAR-clad Central Minister visited the Maruti car factory. The manager went out of the way to show him around & at the end of the tour, offered the Minister a free car. 'Oh, no,' said the Minister, 'I cannot accept it.' 'In that case I'll sell it to you for Rupees five hundred.' The Minister handed the Manager two five-hundred rupee notes: 'In that case, I'll have two.'



Ram Lal died while still in service. The department head was good enough to give his widow employment, the gratuity due to her late husband & clear his insurance claims. She was able to buy & equip a new flat with a colour TV, fridge & furniture. Her son asked how she had been able to manage all this luxury. 'All due to the kindness of your father,' she replied. 
'If he had not died we would not have had any of this.'


A ranger was briefing a group of walkers in a park: 
"It is possible," he warned, "that we will encounter a grizzly bear. 
However, as grizzlies usually avoid contact with humans, I suggest you attach small bells to your backpacks to signal your approach & give the bears time to retreat. 
If you do see any grizzly bear droppings," he added, "leave the area at once." 
"But how will we know if they are bear droppings?" asked one walker. 
"Easy," replied the ranger. 
"Grizzly bear droppings are full of small bells."



A man appeared at the box office of a cinema and bought two tickets. A few minutes later he returned and bought two more. When, after a short interval, he appeared a third time and offered to pay for two more, the ticket-seller opened the little door in the glass and spoke up. 'Aren't you the same gentleman who just bought two tickets and two others just a while ago?' she asked, puzzled. 'Yes,' replied Banta Singh plaintively, 'but there's some fool at the gate who keeps tearing them up!'


Once a couple had one of their usual quarrels as a consequence of which all conversation between them stopped. Unfortunately the husband was to attend his office very early the next morning. So he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me up tomorrow morning," and kept it beside his wife's pillow. His wife read it and went to sleep. He woke up very late the next morning and got very angry. He looked ferociously at his wife, but she calmly pointed towards his pillow. Under his pillow he found a piece of paper. On it was written, "Please wake up, it is 6 o'clock now."

 

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