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While
every union is unique, there are certain phases that most marriages
go through. Each has the potential to either help a couple's
relationship grow closer and more solid, or to pull it apart. What's
important to keep in mind is that there is no perfect marriage and
no relationship without conflict.
The Newlywed
Bubble: The First Year of Marriage The Honeymoon's Over (The Early
Years) From Lover to Mother (And Baby Makes Three) Life Changes —
New Job, Moving, etc.
The Newlywed
Bubble: The First Year of Marriage begins with a period of
excitement. Negative feelings are swept aside by the optimism of
both partners as they begin to share a future. These positive
feelings help a couple face the often daunting issues of the first
year. Money — who handles it and how it's allocated — is a key issue
for many couples. Time apart versus time together, division of
household responsibilities, even who controls the television remote,
are among the issues couples must begin to hammer out. This is
complicated by the fact that almost everyone enters marriage with
preset ideas of what a marriage relationshipshould be, and often
unconsciously tries to recreate their parent's marriage.
Danger:
Ideas of what a marriage should be get in the way of true intimacy,
forcing you to reenact roles instead of relating honestly to each
other.
Opportunity: Acknowledge and let go of your learned ideas
of what a marriage should be. Face down your preconceived notions of
marriage and you can decide what really works for you, forming a
good foundation for the next phases of marriage. Try this exercise.
The
Honeymoon's Over (The Early Years) The early years of marriage
can put both parties to the test. What simultaneously ambushes us
and gives us opportunities to reach a new level of commitment is
when we have expectations we're not even aware of. When that doesn't
happen — because it can't happen, the past is past — we may feel let
down. The struggle to get him to conform to that desperately
cherished fantasy may be initiated at this point — and lead to a
battle without ending, for he wants to be accepted as the person he
is. Letting go of that ideal and accepting the person you married is
essential to a healthy marriage. Danger: Locking into a bickering,
critical relationship; holding your partner responsible for your
needs.
Opportunity: By taking responsibility for your own needs
and desires and trying to realize them through your own efforts
instead of projecting them onto your spouse, you'll have more chance
of getting what you want and avoiding the resentment that goes with
unrealistic demands.
From Lover to
Mother To go from being a person to being a mother is the major
psychological shift for a woman. And to go from being a couple to
being a family is also big. With the arrival of a child, the
possibilities for conflict increase. Your needs zoom, so the chances
for disappointment are great. The changes and adjustments that come
with a baby can be overwhelming. In addition to the time-consuming
demands of changing diapers and feeding, questions of who should
shoulder which responsibilities, parenting styles, not to mention
the issue of making room in the relationship for this seemingly
all-consuming new priority, can all become battlegrounds. Becoming
parents triggers new sets of unconscious expections, both about
child-rearing and about yourselves. Unless both partners try
consciously to create their own parenting style, there is a tendency
to re-enact the same roles as their parents. Most men don't have
fathers who cared for them when they were babies, and it's often
easier to fall into the role of "workaholic" while the mother
assumes the "nurturing" role. The child may also become an unwitting
partner in an emotional triangle as resentments and unresolved
problems slink out in strange forms.
Danger: Pre-programmed
ideas of parenting roles interfere with forging a marriage and
family style that works.
Opportunity: Create a strong healthy
family that encourages all members to grow as individuals in a
loving, supportive setting. Try this: Read and discuss childrearing
books to break out of scripted roles and find effective ways to deal
with your children's stages of development. Agree on family rules
(never let children play one parent against the other) and consider
having a weekly family meeting to discuss problems.
Life
Changes — New Job, Moving, Etc. Children heading off to college,
a woman's return to the workforce, retirement...even happy changes
can shake up the equilibrium of a marriage. Probably the toughest
changes to assimilate in traditional marriages (male as breadwinner;
woman as homemaker), is when the roles shift. When a woman goes back
to work after being a homemaker (especially if she becomes very
successful), or a husband loses his job or retires, the couple has
to readjust their expectations of each other. "Zack's heart attack
meant it was time for him to retire. It's not always so easy to
accept shifts in the status quo. It can be a howl of outrage from
one partner when the other changes the fundamental agreement. This
is especially true if the change is voluntary.. But without the
distraction of the children, they may be forced to confront
themselves and their own relationship.
Danger: Faced with stress
and change, couples often withdraw from one another or blame each
other for their own dissatisfaction. Opportunity: Change can stir a
relationship into a new phase of intimacy as well as free each
individual to develop in new ways: A traditional breadwinner who
retires may be able to be closer to the grandchildren; a homemaker
who returns to the workforce may enjoy achieving in a new arena. Try
this exercise!
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