Type of Kisses
The Controversial kiss :
This involves a cheek and a cheeky kisser, each belonging to a different sex (of which there are mainly two) and to a different religion (of which there are mainly several), one of which is affronted by the implamentation of the above mentioned four-letter word on a general female cheek. Our own Indian culture has no verbal or written history of a kiss on the cheek, the only part of the body coming in contact with another cheek in our history being the hand - resulting in another four - letter word - the slap !
The Kiss of Life :The Owl Kiss :
Mostly in evidence in dark late-night parties, dark corners, dark parks and dark deeds…this is not really a medical necessity even though it looks like one. It is a combined result of watching too much Baywatch and beleiving people when they say ' I will die without your love '. This results in more breathlessness than ever before on the part of the kissee and is likely to kill the kissee, not because of the lack of love , but the lack of fresh air. The good thing about this kiss is that you can get trained in it, quite legally, and pass it off as first-aid in case you get caught.
This is a common enough attempt, especially on the part of participants who have a problem finding unpopulated, uninhabited areas with few viewers. Therefore it is mostly confined to cinema halls because it is dark and you have to judge the general anatomy by its distance from the eyes that shine in the inky blackness. It requires you to turn your head, often to an impossible degree, which reconfirms its owl - like aspects. Unfortunately, unlike owls, human beings can't turn their heads entirely around (360 degrees ), therefore the kisser and the kissee have to sit side by side and not on the seat behind the other.
The Social Kiss :
Known as social peck, you get it or you don't, depending on where you are in the pecking order. It mostly consists of kissing the air around the kissee with a duck-like demeanour and an audible sound and giving the kissee a strong swoonworthy exposure to your behind the ear perfume or pong, as the case maybe. Some kinds of social kissing consists of blowing kisses at people across the room, causing much misunderstanding between warring couples about who is doing what and to whom.
The Bollywood Kiss :The Aunty / Uncle Kiss :
This is the classic columbus type attempt at sailing off for India and landing up at the Indies. However it is not of portuguese origin. Earlier, in Bollywood films, two pairs of lips were substituted by two flowers, two birds, two butterflies, two leafy branches or two shivering and shaking suspicious-looking bushes. In these modern times of liberalization, however, heroes and heroines believe in openly trading duty-free lip makeup in full view of the cat-calling public, mostly through the eyes of a whirling camera specializing in the back of heads.
Stand back ! The tornado is going to hit you and twist and wring your cheek dry like just-washed clothes and end up in slobbery saliva rain. This is usually accompanied by an earthquake like embrace which leaves you gasping for breath, wondering if this is a new way of implementing cessation by kissation, it gets even worse, if the aunty / uncle, who is totally ignorant of the fact that you have grown five feet since she/he saw you last, not just in body but in mind as well, adds a totally tasteless 'meetha' kissie on the second cheek after the 'khatta' one on the first one.
The Bangladesh Kiss :The stitched Kiss :
See the things get wetter and wetter all the tiiiiiiime….the waterlocks are opened, the mush (for want of a politer term ) flows untramelled, the flood of emotion is unstoppable, the oars are out…..HELP ! somebody go get some towels or other absorbent stuff ! You have to wipe te grin - and bear it. It's a natural calamity - that's all. Wet, slobbery kissers have been sent to earth with a mission to prove the scientific fact that 70 percent of the human body is water….
This puritanical submission consists of pursing up your lips and then virtually stitching them up as if you 've got the family heirlooms, the crown jewels and the Peacock Throne inside and have to save them from being invaded by Alibaba and chaalis chors. Forget the Berlin Wall, or the LoC….those are as tame as school boundary walls anyone could have jumped over. There is no way you can break this barricade of bashfulness.
The Gluttonous Kiss :
The main assumption of this kiss is that the kissee is a very expensive, very 'licious, very desirable dish you ordered and has to be devoured in no less than 10 seconds or you will miss the once a millennium flight to the moon. In this short duration, the kisser makes a desperate attempt to gnash, gnaw and generally gobble, without any table manners being evident, the kissee. In horror love stories , the kissee is eaten up in its entirety. If only partly eaten, it is known as a violent thriller. If left whole, it's known as a happy ending and a middling kiss.
The Woodpecker kiss :
It's an early morning phenomena where the kisser imagines or visualizes tiny little pickworthy, uh, I mean peckworthy insects in the kissee, and ventures out to peck at each of them. The sound that emanates from this whole procedure sounds like you are trying to call your pet or dog to drink its milk - tututpuchpuchtuttut - but I believe, is a lot more romantic than it sounds.